Salon Appointment

 I don’t know why guys have this impression that women enjoy trips to the salon. Of course, we enjoy facials and haircuts, but we visit the salon for more unexciting work like eyebrows shaping, waxing, etc. There’s only one word to describe the experience – “Ouch”. Have you guys ever ripped off a band-aid from your (hairy) skin? Does it seem pleasant? Now imagine 100,000 such band-aids being ripped off every patch of your skin possible. Add to that the sticky feeling which makes you feel like a chewing gum long after the waxing has happened. Now you know how messy a poor chewing gum feels. Back to my waxing appointment, I lay comfortably trying to practice mindfulness while the salon lady mercilessly waxed on. It was a rhythmic meditation – Deep breath in , wax being applied , deep breath out, rip (holy shit), with my eyes popping out like a cartoon character. Of course ,being a disciplined lady, I held back on the (curse) words and focussed on my breath which now seemed more like a dragon’s . Wow, imagine a dragon which feels like a chewing gum and which practices mindfulness. That was not the worst part. The worst part happened when another beautician came in to stare at me getting tortured. She just stood there staring at my legs while giggling with the other lady. Nobody makes fun of my thighs but me.

I pretended to sleep. The other lady who had now stared at each micro inch of my thighs now decided she wanted to have more fun with me. She pulled out a strip and ripppp. My arms were now the subject of her entertainment. Now the breathing rhythm had changed. Breathe in- Ouch( legs being waxed) , breathe out – Ouch( arms being waxed). Time had stopped. This was the end of the world. The only fact that made me realise that I was alive was the fact that I had heard that there is no physical body after death. And if there was no physical body, how would there be physical pain? Duh! It is like ordering ice lemon tea without tea! My mind decided the torture wasn’t enough. It reminded me of a waxing epic which had happened a few years back. I call it epic because stuff like this happens once in a gazillion years. I walked into a salon and mentioned to the owner that I wanted to get waxed for a wedding. I casually mentioned that I was in a hurry. Those words would form the top of my regret list when I would die. Four women (or rather women wrestlers), splattered me across the flat-bed. I felt like a spider which was stuck on to a wall. Or rather a mosquito which got hit by a newspaper. Rip,rip, rip, rip went the strips. Before I could say “Ouch” , another strip was being pulled out. In order to avoid trouble of saying” ouch” really fast I decided to pick only the “O” and howled ” O.-O… O…O”. Within a few minutes, I felt like I was a wolf singing out loud on a full moon night. Within minutes, the job was done. It seemed like hours. I made a mental note to never ever say at a salon that I was in a hurry. But the good part about the whole deal was that my throat cleared up and I realised that I could sing pretty well- at least well enough to not chase off 4 women who were mercilessly trying to attack me.

P.S This post is not for ladies who have endured the pain of childbirth. They can just brush off the entire post and say ‘Meh’.