Ants…Internet…And everything in between

Ants….Internet…And everything in between.

Anthony Robbins, one of the world’s greatest life coaches in the world says ‘The better questions you ask, the better answers you get.’ I am a big fan of Tony Robbins and I keep asking questions about life to no one in particular all the time. Imagine Paresh Rawal in Judaai, without the need to blurt out the questions to unsuspecting passersby.

The other day, I had decided that the internet was the root cause of all my issues. A life without internet is a simpler one, I concluded. So, during the rather uneventful elevator ride(should it be called de-elevator if it is heading down?) towards the ground floor, I swore off the internet. There were no witnesses at the swearing off ceremony, but I trusted the lift cameras to document my swearing off. I didn’t give any time limit, because I have had such phases of swearing off stuff(read coffee) in the past, but without much success.

Psychologists state that your emotion determines your thought. I figured that if you are in an emotional state of wanting to blame someone/something for your issues, you turn towards the internet(or Facebook). It is the ‘needing to blame’ which causes you to blame the internet and not the internet causing a need to blame. P. S I just happen to know this stuff and wanted to fit it in somewhere, so I typed it here. 😉

I did not foresee the mind boggling question that was going to hit me a few seconds later, just like you don’t foresee someone farting on your face as you step on an escalator wearing a rather show-offy perfume. Yes, stuff like this happens with me for some strange reason.

The question that baffled me was ‘Why don’t ants get diabetes, despite the fact that all they do is eat sugar all day?’

Having been on a semi -sugar fast(one of the passing fads I am into) which renders me pretentious when I talk about it, I felt that the world was particularly biased towards ants and unfair towards us cupcake loving and drooling over chocolate homo-sapiens. I could not start googling my question at hand, but my mind didn’t stop working. After all, all answers lie within, don’t they?

I thought about ants for a few seconds. Sure, they eat enormous amounts of sugar, given their teeny sizes, but they also do a massive amount of weight lifting(8X their weight) and cardio. Plus they keep bumping into each other.The bumping probably doesn’t increase their calorie burn, but imagine someone who is 80kg(that is not my weight), carrying 80*8 = 640kg of weight walking in a straight line, following other dudes who are also carrying weights 8X their respective weights and then bumping into a bunch of dudes who are approaching them head on, even though there is miles of space all around them. Half my sugar craving is gone. And what if someone drops 8X on someone’s foot? Ants’ legs don’t have bones, so nothing gets fractured, but perhaps their legs get detached or something. Frankly I didn’t imagine this post to turn gory.

I then decided to give my brain a rest. I figured that this question would weaken my resolve of not using the internet. I decided to edit Piyush Mishra’s poetry ‘Halki Phulki si hai zindagi. Bojh to khwayishon ka hai’ to ‘Halki Phulki si hai zindagi. Bojh to internet ka hai’ in order to strengthen my willpower a tiny bit.

I managed to stay off the internet for 4-5 hours. Later that evening, this ant question struck me again unannounced during a casual banter with my sister.

At first, she was flabbergasted at the question(and maybe also at its sheer uselessness). But, this question is guaranteed to trigger something in a person, due to its blatant and shameless unfairness. By now, the 8X weight carrying gym dude scenario had slipped from my mind. I just thought of pretty little cupcakes waiting to be consumed and how ants have thin waistlines. Have you ever seen an obese ant?

She quickly went onto the internet and said that there were forums which answered this question. Good to know that I am not the only one with this insatiable curiosity. No one knew the right answer and everyone just attributed the health of the ants to their healthy metabolism and lots of exercise. I realised there was an unexplored world lying out there on Yahoo answers and which would be totally inaccessible to me if I were to take a hiatus from the internet world. Wait…..! Do cockroaches get a common cold, if they eat leftovers of a person suffering from common cold? Do they then sneeze and cough? I can’t stop!!!

Salon Appointment

 I don’t know why guys have this impression that women enjoy trips to the salon. Of course, we enjoy facials and haircuts, but we visit the salon for more unexciting work like eyebrows shaping, waxing, etc. There’s only one word to describe the experience – “Ouch”. Have you guys ever ripped off a band-aid from your (hairy) skin? Does it seem pleasant? Now imagine 100,000 such band-aids being ripped off every patch of your skin possible. Add to that the sticky feeling which makes you feel like a chewing gum long after the waxing has happened. Now you know how messy a poor chewing gum feels. Back to my waxing appointment, I lay comfortably trying to practice mindfulness while the salon lady mercilessly waxed on. It was a rhythmic meditation – Deep breath in , wax being applied , deep breath out, rip (holy shit), with my eyes popping out like a cartoon character. Of course ,being a disciplined lady, I held back on the (curse) words and focussed on my breath which now seemed more like a dragon’s . Wow, imagine a dragon which feels like a chewing gum and which practices mindfulness. That was not the worst part. The worst part happened when another beautician came in to stare at me getting tortured. She just stood there staring at my legs while giggling with the other lady. Nobody makes fun of my thighs but me.

I pretended to sleep. The other lady who had now stared at each micro inch of my thighs now decided she wanted to have more fun with me. She pulled out a strip and ripppp. My arms were now the subject of her entertainment. Now the breathing rhythm had changed. Breathe in- Ouch( legs being waxed) , breathe out – Ouch( arms being waxed). Time had stopped. This was the end of the world. The only fact that made me realise that I was alive was the fact that I had heard that there is no physical body after death. And if there was no physical body, how would there be physical pain? Duh! It is like ordering ice lemon tea without tea! My mind decided the torture wasn’t enough. It reminded me of a waxing epic which had happened a few years back. I call it epic because stuff like this happens once in a gazillion years. I walked into a salon and mentioned to the owner that I wanted to get waxed for a wedding. I casually mentioned that I was in a hurry. Those words would form the top of my regret list when I would die. Four women (or rather women wrestlers), splattered me across the flat-bed. I felt like a spider which was stuck on to a wall. Or rather a mosquito which got hit by a newspaper. Rip,rip, rip, rip went the strips. Before I could say “Ouch” , another strip was being pulled out. In order to avoid trouble of saying” ouch” really fast I decided to pick only the “O” and howled ” O.-O… O…O”. Within a few minutes, I felt like I was a wolf singing out loud on a full moon night. Within minutes, the job was done. It seemed like hours. I made a mental note to never ever say at a salon that I was in a hurry. But the good part about the whole deal was that my throat cleared up and I realised that I could sing pretty well- at least well enough to not chase off 4 women who were mercilessly trying to attack me.

P.S This post is not for ladies who have endured the pain of childbirth. They can just brush off the entire post and say ‘Meh’.